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09/05/2012

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Ngouda

To those who are enamored with the free mreakt approach to health care access I say why not go all the way then? Let me posit the following scenario: The year is 2010, in response to not very widespread complaints that some people in America might actually be getting something for nothing, Congress springs into action. At the end of a grueling session, and in a remarkable display of bipartisanship, they emerge with the Healthcare Ultimate Responsibility Law (HURL). The legislation rescinds the long existing federal mandate that hospitals provide free care to those in need, and dismantles Medicare. It also abolishes all private health insurance, as some policy holders have been consuming a disproportionate amount of medical care in excess of what their premiums would have covered. Prior to leaving for his weekly salon session / hunting trip, President Britt Momley signs the bill into law, pronouncing it “…the final solution to the free rider problem…” Vice President Johann Moneygrubber and Secretary of Wealth and Inhumane Disservices Don Clydesdale look on in awe. Finally, free mreakt forces will determine the delivery of health services. Anyone wishing to see a doctor will be required to have cash on the barrelhead. Everyone’s net worth can be immediately ascertained by reading the RFID chip embedded at the base of their necks. Fools desperate enough to show up on the steps of medical institutions seeking care with no means to pay are strapped to gurneys in five point restraints and promptly, but cheaply, euthanized. Since these freeloaders would obviously have no means to pay for burial services, their useful tissues and organs are harvested to provide spare parts for the paying customers and luminaries like Paris Hilton and former Vice President Dick Cheney. The remainder of the body is burned on the premises to provide heat for the hot tubs on the liposuction unit. Many panicked Americans seeking treatment flee to the Canadian and Mexican borders only to be turned back by immigration authorities. They die in droves, providing the few remaining U.S. medical schools with a steady stream of anatomical specimens. There is not much need for doctors, with such a limited patient pool, the U.S. actually becomes the world’s largest exporter of trained physicians, and the nursing shortage that loomed so large in the early part of the decade has been resolved overnight. Surplus cadavers are collected by companies BFI and Waste Management, Inc, who in true entrepreneurial spirit have expanded their recycling operations to include corpses. No sense in burying the wretches, that’s just a waste of prime real estate! Instead, bodies are trucked off to mass incinerators where they provide the fuel to run industry. At last, a cheap source of renewable energy. Yes, it’s a new day in America, and no one is on the public dole!

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